Finish your sentence.

A couple of months ago, right around Christmas break, one of my closest friends came to my house to have coffee.

We last saw each other over the summer when we got matching tattoos for her birthday—it was the best gift I’ve ever given anyone. It’s typical of us to catch up and scheme up something hair-brained like tattoos on sale. But because so much time passed, I bubbled up with a ton of news.

I started a sentence, paused, continued with a different thought, paused, asked her what she needed, and paused once more.

I started talking again until she grabbed my arm, looked me dead in the eye, and said, “Can you please finish your last sentence?”

That’s a lot like how my newsletter feels at the moment. I’ve started and stopped, typed and wrote ellipses, and started up again, only to pause on a thought.

                                                                 ***

We went skiing with friends, and I refused to leave the bunny slope. My kids, however, who had gone one other time, decided to go on the ski lift for the first time.

It should come as no surprise that they loved it, they tried to persuade me to go, and I stubbornly refused.

But I learned how to turn on skis and didn’t fall once. That sounds about right for me.

Did I tell you I taught them how to ride a bicycle without ever riding one myself? In fact, when my oldest was 8, and my middle was 7, they took it upon themselves to teach me how to ride a bike. They sang in unison, “Keep pedaling,” until I figured out how to keep my balance while not putting my feet on the ground.

Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for them to ski—I’ve taught them to fly without putting their feet on the ground. They’re not ones to stay on the bunny slope.

I think I’m ready for the lift, though.

                                                                 ***

I recently watched “One of Them Days” after a particularly hard work week. The plot was reminiscent of many of the stories I grew up seeing happen right before me.

I was so glad I could laugh at the difficulty of figuring out what hijinx it takes to pay your rent on time. Growing up that way, it never felt like I had permission to laugh about difficult circumstances. I think I cried a lot. But both feel cathartic. Honestly, every month felt like nothing short of a miracle; all it took was some creativity to make it happen.

Even now, it feels like I’m cobbling together to pay our mortgage, but that’s just it—it’s not as dire of a situation where we’ll lose our home. My circumstances are secure but altogether tenuous as I figure out how to raise children, feed them, and get them to school while figuring out how to balance a career.

But isn’t that all we’re doing? Aren’t we all just doing our best?

                                                                ***

My sister-in-law is getting married in April. I’m so glad, too—we’ve all been waiting for it for several years. Her girlfriend is such a delight and has been a source of healing for her.

But I’ve wrestled with sharing my enthusiasm publicly. For one, not everyone needs to know all of my business. The business of familial joy is sometimes something I hold back. Not everyone needs to know how hard I laughed at the dinner table with my 13-year-old or the secrets my 11-year-old giggles on the way home from school.

I keep that to myself.

And more than that, why does showing my enthusiasm have to come with a political statement?

Is it because my label as a faith writer means I have to hold things back? That’s ridiculous.

I also need to go shopping—I need a new dress to celebrate. Maybe new shoes.

                                                                ***

Every morning, I listen to my audio Bible, followed by an abbreviated newscast.

And sometimes, I cuss on the way to work. Sometimes, I pray. Sometimes, it’s a combination of both (lately, it’s been a combination of both).

Frankly, I’m tired. I want to turn the news off, but some things affect my work, and I need to make decisions based on that news. One morning, I heard news about funding for my organization. I sprinted to the office and let my boss know. We made requests at the last minute, and I submitted a vital document while getting my hair trimmed. I came home after my haircut (even though I already worked after hours) and laid on the ground. Crisis averted for now.

But on a personal note, I wondered if I should begin carrying my passport after I heard that newscast. My anxiety was through the roof. Was listening to the news worth it to me?

My husband, just last week, wrote an angry text regarding the word “illegal” and “immigrant” placed together because those are words that were once used against me, his wife.

At least I can be honest in prayer—cuss words and all.

                                                                ***

It’s hard to finish sentences these days. I’m trying to cobble together these sentences while waiting for my kids to finish their dental appointments. After this, we need to head home to have them do their homework, practice their instruments, and eat dinner. I also have to finish those emails I was supposed to send our senators.

And what’s for dinner? Pasta, right? Shoot—I forgot to take out the sausage for it. We’ll be vegetarian tonight, I guess.

Do my sentences matter anymore? Is anyone listening?

---

I want
To finish a

Hold on,
She needs me.

Wait,
I need to
Tell you

The phone’s ringing,
Let me
Take a message

I still
Want to
Complete

Did you see this
I was so irate
Here’s 5calls
Have you heard of it?

Let me
Finish
What
I
Started.

---

I promise I didn’t disappear off the face of the planet—it’s just been heavy. Usually, I share a lot about what awesome things I’ve bought, but I’ve taken more of a hard stance on what I’ve been buying.

And not because of a budget (although, let’s be real—that is a part of it), but I’ve been asking the thorny question of what if I need anything. So here are some things that I’ve enjoyed over the past few months!

• I found a rose gold nameplate for my desk at a thrift shop. It’s my FAVORITE. But I have no idea what I should print out for it. Any ideas?

• I made cupcakes for my 13-year-old’s (THIRTEEN. WHY DO I HAVE A TEENAGER?) birthday. In true teen fashion, we bought pizza, went to a VR place with his friends, and they stuffed themselves with these cupcakes. Their favorite part? The non-dairy chocolate buttercream! Here’s a recipe I adapted with Country Crock non-dairy butter sticks and oatmilk(best substitute for butter—I’ve been using it for years!)

• You should watch One of Them Days if you haven't seen it. The trailer is an excellent representation of it.

• My husband was on his favorite podcast, Flightless Bird, where he talked to David Farrier about his thoughts on Focus on the Family. As a Christian, multi-ethnic, and exvangelical family, we’ve talked about what this means for us. David does an incredible job and exposes details about Focus on the Family that should be worrisome. (It contains language if you’re sensitive to it.)

• My friend

  molly flinkman
  dared
  Shannon Williams
  ,
  Rachel Nevergall
  , and I to come up with a no-skip Taylor Swift playlist. It was SO fun to see which songs each of us never skips. So, if you need something light-hearted, here’s mine:

• But for those of us who need to rage a little, here’s my other playlist:

Thanks for sticking by <3