Shiny, Happy Regret

My truth about struggling with legalism and yes—those Hesses.

Happy June, friends! It’s been a minute—I couldn’t get to June quickly enough! Besides work life (hey there, Exhale friends and Ruby Brick!), mom life, end of school, and more—I was a bit busy last month. While I love writing in this space, I actually love living in my real life. So I gave myself some space.

But now we’re here—and I have some new thoughts to share. Brace yourselves for a second. I’m sharing some heavier topics.

Truly, the tension in writing what I know is deciding what to share and what not to. I waffle between sharing positivity and the painful things in life. (See: my most recent article with Well-Watered Women about the pain of not being close to my mom.)

Not everything I share is shiny or happy—the reality of living requires a careful handling of both. And much like Ecclesiastes 3 shares a time for everything, there’s a time to share some hard stories.

---

I’m sure most of you, by now, have heard about the Shiny Happy People documentary on Amazon. If you haven’t, it’s a documentary about IBLP, ATI, and the Quiverfull movement.

The uncomfortable truth: my husband’s family was among the first wave of families to be involved in IBLP.

In fact, my in-laws wrote a book that was foundational to the Quiverfull moment (my husband is number 8 in his line of siblings). It’s a book that was handed to me when I first got married.

And the confession? I believed some of it.

I’ve never talked about this dynamic because, honestly, it wasn’t entirely my story to tell. My husband was the one who grew up in it, moved away, met me, and we decided not to be involved with IBLP intentionally. So why talk about it now? I think Shiny, Happy People shares something that I, not until maybe a couple of years ago, realized.

Just because you walk away from legalism doesn’t mean that it’s done with you.

The unfortunate reality about this is that you have to fight against it, and even small beliefs that may seem innocuous may actually be incredibly harmful.

One of my first rebellions against Quiverfull beliefs was because of my personal trauma in childbearing. My husband and I immediately got pregnant shortly after we got married because we wanted to have as many children as the Lord would let us have. But after my second baby, I got incredibly sick. 

I had what is known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I can’t tell you the extent of guilt between thinking I deserved to suffer or endure pregnancy. Guys, I tell you this that I thought God was testing my fortitude to see if I was being a good wife and mother because that’s all I could do to be honoring to him. Because God couldn’t love me if I didn’t handle the challenges that he gave me.

What a lie.

And yet, I think of what my friend Gretchen Saffles has said when it comes to suffering—

“I’m learning that when we are in the hard middle, we can survive for God’s glory without shame that we aren’t thriving in moments of suffering. We hold on by threads of grace and still come out the other side a survivor with scars that tell a story of redemption.”

Telling hard stories of secondary trauma and survival is hard. 

And I cannot emphasize enough that if you see stories like the one shared in Shiny Happy People and think you’re removed from them, I beg you to reconsider.

Reconsider that the stories like these have ripple effects that span more than just the people inside them. They affect us, the current modern-day Christians, who are dealing with matters of politics, family dynamics, race issues, education choices, and more. I invite you to listen—and to deal with the shiny, happy regret or, better yet, deal with the painful shame that comes with the healing process.

So for the next few weeks, I’m sharing what my process has looked like in turning away from these horrible lies. I think it’s time, anyway. But more than that, I hope that if you’re reading this and have struggled with legalism, let me be the first to say: Me. Too.

I hope we can come away remembering that we’re a part of the grand story of redemption. Because God loves those who turn away from the Law—and instead, turn to him because he has fulfilled it all. 

Survival can be a story of great joy, after all.

---

This section is a little abbreviated this month. I’m sharing 3 things:

• This disposable camera—perfect for capturing memories away from your smartphone

• This book for dealing with hard family relationships—I also highly recommend reading her Substack!

• And this song—for the healing heart.